Let’s face it, with the improvements made in tablet technology more and more people are spending more and more time on the porcelain throne with their phone. That’s not to say that we’ve decided it’s okay to make a call from the hot seat, rather our phone has become an extension of our jobs, our time, our consciousness. In the age of #microefficiency it makes sense to bring our work to the washroom, so I’ve compiled this helpful list to help you do you duty while you do your duty.
#5 – The Game
Fling! by CandyCane LLC
I won’t spend much time here, because we all have our favourite games, except to give you some pointers.
1. Choose games with a definable endpoint or you’ll find you won’t be able to stand up when you finally break the connection.
2. Keep puzzle games simple, adventure games should have short winnable levels, and if you’re married, keep it to games where you can turn the volume down, because;
3. No one likes to be nagged about how long its taking while you’re baking.
#5 – The News
Zite Personalized Magazine by Zite, Inc.
In the bygone days of the last millennium a man would politely fold a paper under his arm and find solitude within the marble cave of the office lavatory. It was a place he had to spend time, but it could also be used to bone up on the current events of the day. The more things change, the more things stay the same.
Inundated with news sources from around the world, a man must now bring the New York Times, The Toronto Sun, The Guardian, The Onion and Financial Post with him if he is to keep up with the daily trivia. However, this veritable arm-load can be readily reduced by an aggregator that can deduce what you’re most likely to read while dropping a deuce.
#3 – The Social Network
TwitBird Pro for Twitter by NibiruTech Limited
There was once the Bathroom Reader. The Digest, National Geographic, or Uncle John’s; which ever your flavour there is a natural fit for when nature calls. With the advent of a search engine the need to be able to win any argument with an uncanny knowledge of the useless facts has been replaced by the innate need to know what your friends are doing, or at the very least read their even less important social quips. I’ll let you in on a little secret. Your friends are on the can, and their quips are the brain farts accompanying their…well now I’m just getting crass.
I’d love for someone to do a statistical analysis of the frequency versus time plot of an avid tweeter to see if it wasn’t possible to plot the regularity of their regularity. I’m wagering of course that the reason for Twitter’s existence is simply the demand to squeeze something out in the time it takes to squeeze something out. It might be a disturbing image thinking that 95% of the information I’m reading on social networks was fabricated while the fan was running but consider this: there is a noticeable if not significant disparity of posts, thoughts, pictures, and activity on Facebook between the women and the men. And mine increased as I started sitting down to pee.
So after you’ve read that interesting article you no longer have to pass it under the stall when it’s made you LOL, (laugh out loud for you who are still not part of the eSocial elite) you simply choose your social network and declare with pride (as my three year old does) “I’m ready for a wipe,”
You’ll find me on Twitter @StayAtHomeGang
#2 – The Mail
What is more efficient than reading your mail after you’ve picked it up and are making your way to the recycling bin? Nothing is really different online, except that the recycling bin is an electronic metaphor and their are no stickers to ward off unsolicited mail, just a separate mail box. So we adapt!
Why not scan that growing list of subscribed sweepstakes, group mail-outs, unnecessary reply-alls, and event newsletters while you’re waiting for the turtle to poke out of its shell.
Furthermore, there are those few important messages that have to be distributed using this antiquated system of communication, and those messages require concentration. Where better than the one place we’re known to really concentrate? Best of all, you already have it built into your device!
So, next time you’re thinking about sending out your annual Christmas letter, drop your drawers and start a draft. Let the winsome winds inspire your writing, you’ll find the pressure releases as the words start to flow. Let your thinking unwrinkle as you start to tinkle and flush out your thoughts as you go.
#1…and, The Top App for the Toilet – Free App Explorers
App Hits for iPad – by Sane Apps LLC
Sorry to let you down, but there really is no beautifully perfect list of apps that will get you through your gastronomic crisis, however you can kill a lot of time downloading apps that go on sale and take them for a test drive while you’re squatting. It’s a bit anticlimactic to say this is my number one overall, but it was using this app that led me to so many other fabulous app discoveries.
So, whether you go there for peace and quiet, or you like to get in and get out, remember there’s a perfect bathroom app out there for you. As I put the seat down on this topic, and shake the feeling back into my legs I hope you’ve found comfort and security in knowing that you’re not the only one who’s dropped a dollar into that sketchy looking Apple Store bathroom vendor hoping that app you buy is going to get you lucky.
Honourable Mention: The Photos
As humans, we love to look at ourselves. We surround ourselves with mirrors and attach cameras to our phones. I’m not about to tell you to start taking pictures of the number two that looks like a number one, but while you wait for the cramps to subside, why not scroll through your camera roll and admire the friends and family and the places you’ve been while you are the one place they’re not allowed to be?
Meanwhile, for those who do find creative shapes in what’s been constructed in the depths below why not steer your artistic talents in a more desirable pursuit? Take that candid mistake and fire it over to Instagram head-works where their engineered filters will change something unpalatable into something fresh and drinkable.
Instagram – by Burbn, Inc.
Featured Image Credit: Stuart Pilbrow