Strategies for Different Discipline Styles

by anthonyrao
in Advice for New Dads
— 7 Nov, 2012

Many parents ask: What do we do when we discipline in completely different ways? While there is no right way or wrong way, you both have to rise above the arguing and disagreements.

The truth is, neither of you (if alone) would do the wrong thing all the time. Better to present a unified message to your kids than look weak or disagreeable. I recommend letting one parent take charge and let him/her do it in their way (other parent steps aside). This works better for kids seven and up (as younger kids need more consistency). Then you talk (privately) with your spouse to hammer out the rest. All the research shows that disagreeing and conflict is much worse than inconsistency. Besides, as your kids get older, you can say “Mommy does things differently – but when I’m with you it’s my rules” (and vice versa). They will see two different approaches to raising their own kids someday.

About Anthony Rao

Dr. Anthony Rao holds a Ph.D. in psychology from Vanderbilt University and trained as a pediatric psychologist at Boston Children's Hospital. For more than 20 years, Dr. Rao worked in the Department of Psychiatry at Children's Hospital and served as instructor at Harvard Medical School, where he trained psychologists and physicians in the use of Cognitive Behavior Therapy, or CBT. Dr. Rao has been the featured expert on documentaries for the A&E series Investigative Reports and MTV's True Life series. Dr. Rao has been interviewed for articles in the New Yorker ("The Doubting Disease," by Jerome Groopman, April 10, 2000) and Parents Magazine, The Boston Globe, and The Washington Times. His editorial letters and opinions have appeared in the Newsweek, Scientific American, The New York Times, and New York Magazine. Dr. Rao consults with families all over the country and has lectured at numerous colleges. He regularly presents at conferences and parenting groups, and conducts workshops for professionals who work with children. His book, The Way of Boys: Promoting the Social and Emotional Development of Young Boys, is about the crisis in American boyhood. It was published by HarperCollins in 2009 and released in paperback in 2010. He is the founder of Behavioral Solutions in Lexington, Massachusetts.