A Father’s Night Before Christmas
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‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the night;
I was still awake, trying to assemble toys before daylight.
The stockings were hung from the chimney with care,
And now it’s so late all I can do is look at these instructions and stare.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Which was good because now I was cussing out of my head.
And mama was there, trying to put together something else,
We both understood, now, why Santa used those elves.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
Tripping over an empty box and falling unto the floor,
I arose slowly and went to open the door.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow-
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.
When what to my wondering eyes did I see,
But my neighbor cursing and swearing like me.
With a screwdriver in hand, and a toy he was kicking with his shoe,
I knew in an instant he must be assembling last-minute too.
More rapid than eagles his curses they came,
and as he shouted he swore them all by name.
“Damn you Fisher Price, Hasbro, Tonka, and Legos too,
To hell with you Disney and IKEA, I’m all done with you!
Into the trash and into the street, it’s time for you to go,
Will I ever finishing getting you put together? No.”
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
Now boxes of unassembled toys were launched to the sky.
Up onto the house top, they went with a bang,
With curses in new languages and slang.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
He was startled when he saw us, sitting near the tree,
My wife with a look of frustration and a hammer resting on her knee.
He hesitated and asked, “What’s troubling you?” with a smile,
And she sat back and said, “we’ve been at this now for a while.”
“Could you perhaps give us a hand here since you make these things?”
I watched him considering the consequence a “no” answer brings.
He stared confused, “I have elves for this type of thing. Hell, no”,
and he laughed making his belly bounce like a bowl full of Jell-O.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
but by now he would have to learn to defend himself.
My wife she stood, clenched fisted and said, “that’s it,”
“It’s late, I’m tired, and I’ve had enough of this shit.”
He spoke not a word and tried to go right to work,
But she reached out and grabbed his beard with a jerk.
And laying a left which connected with his red little nose,
He backed up quickly and up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, and we want back to assembling fun,
We’d be up all night, sleepless, if this was ever getting done.
And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
“I’m getting too old for this. That’s the third time tonight!”
However you and your family celebrate the holiday season, enjoy, be safe, and have a Happy New Year!
Photo Credit: George Eastman House via Flickr
About Andrew Pollom
Live in Chicago, Father of 1 daughter, married, work in higher education at small liberal arts institution. Life long Cubs fan, improvisation chef master. I love reading, writing, traveling, football, baseball, March Madness, camping, fishing, hiking, and absolutely anything to do with food and Zoos, but not Zoo food.
